Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
