I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This house was built for laser tag.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
