i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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