And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
