I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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