I'm gonna have a badass scar
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
