Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
