I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Found the puke drawer
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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