They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
