I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
