DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
