i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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