I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
