You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
