you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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