Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
