youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
