We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
