at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
