This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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