i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
