Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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