So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
