Don't make out with my wife yet
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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