I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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