you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
