I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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