I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
