When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
