Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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