She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
