If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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