Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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