Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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