Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
