dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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