I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
