You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
