he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
