dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
