To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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