anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
