apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
