I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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