Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
