how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I will pee on everything he values.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
