she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
