if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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