I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
