The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
