I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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