do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
