Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
