Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
