Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
