I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
