he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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