Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
