a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I need a beard to bite.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
